this year has kicked my butt

mom died on april 29 2013 - we found out on April 1 that her ocular melanoma, which we thought was shrinking, had actually metastasized into 50% of her liver, her spine, knees, ribs, clavicle and pelvis. Throughout the past few months she had had some pains in her back which she attributed to moving something heavy, her shoulder hurt, her knees ached - but we didn't realize that was probably the cancer starting to take over those areas.   In February I forced her to urgent care because her stomach hurt so much the dr prescribed pepto bismol - then we kept following up and she had decided that it was a gall stone - which she also had. The end of march led her to a pet scan on April 1 - we were told that Friday of her diagnosis and then we learned that she had 6-12 months to love without treatment. She was on the fence about treatment if she felt so bad she didnt want to feel worse with chemo but had decided that 6-12 months was too short of a time so she was going to give it a go. Two weeks later her legs were so swollen so she went to the er and then was admitted - at this time they did more tests and discovered that her liver had gone from 50% to 85% in two weeks - they gave her days to weeks. She was in the hospital from Tuesday - Saturday and came home with hospice on Saturday. She couldnt do much on her own but was alert the whole time - on Monday her speech started to slur - but she told all of us that she loved us, she told Bella that when she saw a butterfly that was Grandma saying hello, she spoke via skype to Dylan who is in Afghanistan. There was so much love - and no pain. I put my girls to bed, Brad took their girls home and then it was us - and she passed so peacefully after saying the rosary. It is so hard on us - but I am so happy she died like she did. She never wanted to be a burden on us - she always said to put her in a home if something happened that she couldnt take care of herself. The letters we have received since her passing have lifted my spirits so much - everyone telling us how wonderful she was, what a lady, how kind and helpful and caring. She truly was a role model and such a good friend to others. Up until a week or so ago I felt she was on vacation - this weekend after washing the towels in her bathroom and throwing away her toothbrush I broke down, This has been so hard on Bella - but we are surviving we have a new angel and we are always searching for butterflies. I love you mom so much and I really REALLY miss you so much -