out of my control

This pregnancy is far from easy, normal, peaceful. Being diagnosed with a bicornate uterus is a blessing - I now know why Bella was a preemie, why I had the miscarriages, and why I struggled. I also am now seeing a great specialist and am getting amazing care. Which is why last week when she told me on Wednesday that I needed to have surgery on Friday to have a cerclage done I said okay. Mike took me Friday morning at 7am and we stayed until 3pm, The surgery wasn't so bad - I had a spinal and the dr did her job and then I was in recovery - they were monitoring me for contractions. Luckily I had none. I have been on mandatory bed rest since - and although I thought it would be relaxing I am actually quite bored. I am knitting a cute baby kimono for baby #2 and I treated myself to a Kindle, actually I paid for it with gift cards from parents that I had saved the past few months, I love it! I am watching way to much TV and I am just trying to learn to be still. Not an easy task. Mike actually took Bella to the beach yesterday and then to his mom's to give Bella a break - and I think it was the first time in 3.5 years that I was completely alone in the house. As I was feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't go with them to the beach - I realized that I had not given myself my weekly progesterone shot - and then I thought "How did I get here?" Bed rest, surgery, high risk, shots -- isn't this supposed to be a time of glowing?  I will do what I need to for this baby - I am feeling her move all of the time now and she is very much loved and wanted by all - but man - this is hard. The nurse told me that most woman with BU are only able to carry babies to 5 pounds - Bella was 5 pounds 2 ounces - I will ask the dr about this on Thursday. And then what about work - more bed rest - what is next? For the constant planner that I am this having no control is a bit much - I am having to learn to give it to God - what ever happens is God's will but wow - wishing this was not as hard as it is. The thing is I know that I am lucky and blessed - I know that there are many people who wish that they could get pregnant and carry a baby - so I will stop complaining and just appreciate that my girl has made it to 22 weeks and 4 days and just keep hoping that she makes it to a week that allows her to be healthy and thrive, yes I have been told that I should expect another preemie. Something else that is totally out of my control.