A good friend announced her pregnancy this week. This is a normal thing for me to hear - since so many people I know are having babies right now. However, this time it was different. This friend and I went through our first pregnancies together and we planned to be pregnant together again - so our children would be the exact age and we would be those couples who could hang out together and our kids would play. My reaction - I cried for hours. Then when I brought it up the next day to a coworker I cried. The next day while talking to a parent about it I cried. I am tearing up even now writing about it. I am happy for her - I really am - I am just sad for me. I look at my current stack of books - Getting Pregnant, Taking charge of your fertility, Making Babies, Perfect Hormone Balance for Fertility, The Fertility Diet... and I am cutting out coffee, white sugar, white flour, beer, looking at progesterone and insulin and temperatures and I am sad that this is so f'ing hard for us. I get that I am older but so are my friends. One thing I read that hit home was that worry affects your insulin/hormones chances of staying pregnant - how do I not worry??? I worry - that is who I am - I thought about the movie the Time Travelers Wife who continued to have miscarriages because her unborn children were also time travelers and when she got stressed they would leave the womb... ok I know that is not happening but what she did what create the most serene environment possible - so that is my goal - peace in and out.
Bella just woke up opened her eyes and said "What a beautiful sunny day." - I am going to adopt her attitude. Off to play.
What a great post. I just started TTC with my husband, so I don't know the struggle of putting in so much effort and not seeing the result. But I could read the frustration in your post and for a moment I really connected. I am glad that you've decided to find your serenity. I'm sure it will work.
ReplyDelete