here we are again - the end and the beginning

2010 brought with it a lot of pain and sadness - for me having melanoma, a chemical pregnancy, and a miscarriage - these things depleted me of some of the joys I should have been sharing with Bella - I was sad and scared and confused. I felt all alone - dealing with all three in a private matter because people didn't understand. Melanoma I had responses like "I have moles removed all of the time." Well there is a difference to having a mole removed to have a biopsy on and then actually being diagnosed from that biopsied mole with melanoma. I am clear now but have been back to the doctors many many times and will need to continue to do so because now I am prone to it and also is Bella because she is my daughter.

Miscarriages are a funny thing - no body talks about them. They are taboo which is so funny because 1 in 4 pregnancy's end in a miscarriage. I guess my odds are good then since I have had 4 pregnancy's and lost 3. Also the funny thing (not really funny haha but funny "what do you know") many of my friends have had miscarriages and it was not until I said something did I learn that. I understand waiting to tell people you are pregnant for fear of a miscarriage but for me I would like to tell people early so they can pray for me and not hear congratulations - I am too fearful of that.

How have miscarriages changed me? Well I am drinking raspberry tea and taking chaste tree berry to strengthen my uterus. I am taking omegas and muti vitamins for my health. I am eating more vegetables and less meat and I am starting an exercise program. And I have not lost hope. I am looking forward to being pregnant in 2011 and having a healthy baby.

The bright side of the year is of course Bella. She has been a shining star throughout this year. Her unconditional love and constant genuine love and happiness has brought joy to everyone. It is so nice to see her grow and turn in to this amazing person. I have been truly blessed to have Bella in my life. Another bright side is my marriage is still strong. We have not had the most ideal year but we have stayed strong and we are both looking forward to change and a BETTER 2011.